guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize