i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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