I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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