Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
