I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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