Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
