i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
