was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
