sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
