can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
