I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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