I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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