well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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