Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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