I'm jealous of your bromance
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
