Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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