Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
