An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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