so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
