i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
