Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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