doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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