You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
