Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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