Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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