You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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