I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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