i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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