I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize