Where did you get a picture of my penis
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
