Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
