Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
