FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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