I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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