i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
