Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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