Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
