good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
