for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
