We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
