Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
