the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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