My hair reeks of homosexuality.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
