They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
