Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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