she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
This baby is an asshole
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize