Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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