Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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