Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
