It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
