if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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