I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Congratulations! We have a period
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
