You're my little dorito
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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