my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize