If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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