Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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