in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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