literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
being pregnant is like rehab
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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