My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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