just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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