i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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