A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
